One Solitary Moment

Finally Accepting

Growing up my dad used to tell me and my younger brother that we needed to have a boy to carry on the family name. He would tell the story of how his dad had him the same month as Grandpa’s 30th birthday, and how he had my younger brother 30 years later. He would always tell my bro that he needed to carry on the family tradition. Coaxing him into conceiving at the exact time. Well my younger brother went on to have 3 sons.

This morning I was settling into my yoga practice and I started thinking about this dialogue. Recently letters went out to family and friends that we have listed in our living trust.  Recently we worked with this amazing group called Angel Advocates to create an estate plan. Our friends and family were notified if they were assigned responsibilities if we were to somehow leave this earth early. This was a huge ginormous task to start preparing for Theo’s care forever.

I had this thought about having posterity inherit all that I am trying to build and I started to think about how Theo will likely never have his own kids. This thought sent me into an anxiety attack. I couldn’t breathe. The room was spinning. I had the urge to run out of the yoga room and throw up. 

But I focused on breathing through my nostrils, and breathing all the way down to my deepest gut. Slowing my breathe down, and it calmed me down. I went home and told Angela the story. She was surprised that I hadn’t really ever thought about this before. She said: “You really have never had to deal with this thought and the emotions that are birthed from this thought?” I guess I never have fully accepted that Theo might live with me forever, and that he likely will never give me grandkids. I don’t think this is something that I can process in just one solitary moment.

All I know is that all I can focus on is this moment in time where I can do all I can to help make Theo’s life experience a little better for him and everyone that supports him. Thank God for Yoga. Because today I needed the therapy.